How to negotiate with your partner your first sexual experience*

DECIDING WHETHER OR NOT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR PARTNER? BEFORE MAKING UP YOUR MIND, BE SURE YOU’VE CONSIDERED ALL THE ISSUES. AFTER ALL, THE DECISION IS ALWAYS UP TO BOTH PARTNERS. HERE ARE FOUR TRICKY SEXUAL SCENARIOS AND SOLUTIONS FOR HOW TO HANDLE THEM:

SCENARIO #1: You are not ready to have sex and don’t know how to say “no.”

SOLUTION: You have the right to say “no” to sex any time, for any reason. It doesn’t matter how long you have been with someone, or how much your partner wants to do it. It may surprise you to know that most high school kids in the U.S. aren’t having sex. Nonetheless, many people feel pressured into having sex when they don’t want to. To avoid this situation, the key is to be open and honest with yourself and your partner. It’s best to do this when the two of you are not in the middle of a makeout session and emotions are heightened! If you just don’t feel like you are ready to have sex, talk about it. Be prepared for questions and objections but stand your ground. Make yourself heard. If he says, “If you loved me, you’d do it,” retort with, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t pressure me to do something I don’t want to.” If she says, “I thought you were special” tell her you don’t want to do anything that you might regret. Sex is not a test of your feelings for another person, and saying “no” doesn’t mean you aren’t a committed partner. If your partner doesn’t respect your decision, then maybe they aren’t worth your time.

SCENARIO #2: You’re thinking about having sex but you’re just not comfortable talking about it with your partner.

SOLUTION: First things first: if you can’t talk about it, how are you going to feel comfortable doing it? Maybe one of you thinks that talking about sex kills the mood or that sex should just happen naturally when the moment is right. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Talking about sex is one of the best ways to reduce your anxiety and your risk. That’s because talking about sex can help build trust and respect between you and your partner. Most importantly, it helps you plan ahead so that if you do decide to have sex, you can establish your sexual boundaries together and you can decide how you are going to protect yourselves from STDs or pregnancy.

SCENARIO #3: Your partner does not want to use a condom.

SOLUTION: Some people will use a zillion lame excuses to weasel out of using condoms, so you’d better be armed with a snappy comeback. But whether you are having vaginal or anal intercourse, you and your partner need to use condoms. If she says, “It takes away the romance,” you could say, “So could getting an STD.” If he says, “I can’t feel anything with a condom,” tell him, “You’ll feel even less if you don’t use one because we won’t be having sex.” If she swears she won’t give you any diseases, tell her it’s nothing personal but you want to make sure both of you stay healthy. The bottom line: Don’t feel bad about saying, “No condom, no sex.”

SCENARIO #4: You’ve already had sex but now you realize that it’s just too soon for you and you don’t want it to happen again.

SOLUTION: It’s not too late to slam on the brakes. Keep in mind that just because you’ve done it once or twice or have been doing it for months doesn’t mean you have to do it again. It’s okay to say “no” at any time, regardless of what you’ve done in the past. The key is to be firm and clear about how you’re feeling and what your boundaries are. If your partner tries to push the issue, stand your ground. Anyone worth your time and affection should respect that you want to slow things down.

*Disclaimer

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